Q. How did you come up with the idea for the book?
A. The seed was planted more than 20 years ago. One day as I was walking along in Southern California I had a vision of a large Gypsy man pointing a pirate-like gun at something. He pulls the trigger and the gun clicks but doesn’t fire. And the Gypsy man says “$#*%.” Believe it or not, that was the spark for “Fat Chance.” I also pulled three or four other story ideas from that one image. I’ll be darned if I know what it meant.
Q. And the name “Fat Chance”?
A. I’ve only called it that for the past two or so years. For most of its lifetime I called it “Stout-Hearted Men,” which I loved. But I always felt that no one but me liked the title. When no one is around I still refer to it as “Stout-Hearted Men.” (Stout-Hearted Men is a song by Sigmund Romberg, Frank Mandel, Laurence Schwab, Oscar Hammerstein II, 1928). Another title I briefly considered was “The Chubby Chasers.” But I tossed it aside, thinking people might believe it was a porn novel.
Q. Was it easy to come up with mythical kingdoms?
A. Mythical? Chubolia and Thinsylvania are very real to me. They are the world I navigate every day. Hamilton and Jim are more real than many people I know. Every now and then, as this story sat on the shelf, they would visit me in the dark of night, tap my bedposts with their swords and ask me if I had forgotten about them. I didn’t and realized I’d have to self publish in order for them to live forever.
Q. Is that how you see the world – fat and thin?
A. Yep. I usually don’t think of things in black and white, Republican or Democrat, American or European. I seem to put it all in the fat vs. thin category. Weird, huh?
Q. What about the romance angle?
A. I guess that comes from years of watching TV and movies in which a fat person always seemed to have to lose weight to fall in love or be loved. As a fat man I used to look at all the thin people around me in relationships and think about what it must be like. Being fat isn’t the only reason I haven’t had a lot of relationships (I am pretty screwed up mentally), but it is a major obstacle. So I thought I would write a story in which fat people were in love and weight or size wasn’t an issue.
Q. Twenty-some years trying to get a book printed or sell a screenplay? C’mon, what’s wrong with you?
A. Well, it wasn’t like I was working every day of those 20-some years on it. I moved to Los Angeles from Ohio in the hopes of becoming a great screenwriter. I was the cockeyed optimist back then. But I forgot to figure something into the equation: Survival. I was trying to make enough money to stay alive. And I was probably foolish in getting jobs in journalism that required writing. I probably should have dug ditches or been fired out of a cannon during the day and write at night. I was so sick of keyboards by the time I’d get home at night that I had trouble parking myself in front of a computer. I am no longer the cockeyed optimist with stars in his eyes; I am now a defeated two-bit loser on a rocket sled to Palookaville.
Q. Sounds like you wasted a lot of time.
A. Probably. I took a lot of writing classes, screenplay writing seminars, went to a lot of movies, quirky films, film discussions, etc. I met a lot of nice people but nothing really got off the ground for me. I discussed my “Fat Chance” idea in one screenplay class where the professor warbled: “This could be the greatest movie ever made or the biggest flop the world has ever seen!” I loved the peaks and valleys drama of it all. I thought he might keep in touch with me or mentor me but nope. I’ve also come to realize that I fear success, so the story not getting printed just feeds into that. I have dealt with failure so much in my life that the thought of actually doing something right absolutely terrifies me. If “Fat Chance” goes nowhere I would bet the farm the sun will still rise tomorrow. If nothing else, I kept my promise to Hamilton and Jim to tell their story. They will now live forever in the Library of Congress. Maybe now they will let me sleep.
Q. What was the most painful part to write?
A. The death scene – oh yes, folks, somebody dies. I still have trouble reading it without tearing up. And the other part is a scene where a fat man is weighed in front of a bunch of people and the crowd oohs and aahs. That used to happen to me in elementary school in Indiana. They would weigh us once a year in front of the class. When I would walk up to the scale a lot of the other students would follow. And the gym teacher would shout the weight so that the person recording the number could hear it. Oh God, how I hated that day. Scales and measuring tapes are my kryptonite, I see one and I freeze, break out in sweat and walk the walls. They bring nothing but bad news to me. I could probably control my weight somewhat if I weighed myself every week. But weighing myself is such a traumatic experience. I guess I’ll always be that chubby kid in the classroom in Indiana.
Q. So you went the self-publishing route?
A. Yep. I kind of regret it because it doesn’t give me any validation as a writer. It only means I have the money to self publish. I am now working as a reporter/editor in Montana and was doing a special project that someone else was editing. This person tore me a new one with the edits. You couldn’t tell anymore that the page had been white at one time, it was blood red. I was incredibly depressed and came home and was lying on the sofa taking a nine count when the phone rang. It was a self publisher who asked if I wanted to print my book. I took it as a sign and said “Why not?” I now think I could have just as easily said: “No.”
Q. You never found a publisher who was interested?
A. Nope. No one was interested in it as a book or a screenplay. No agent has even read it. I went to a writers convention in Las Vegas a couple years ago and pitched it to three agents. All three laughed throughout the pitch but none wanted to read it. It kinda pissed me off. One of the agents recommended I rewrite it with children in all the main roles, ala Harry Potter, which probably wasn’t a bad idea but I didn’t feel like doing it. Another laughed throughout the pitch then repeatedly hollered “Haven’t I see this somewhere before?” like he was an Alzheimer’s patient in a nursing home. Since I had only known him for 3 minutes I really had no idea what he has or hasn’t seen throughout his life. As a movie I picture it in my mind as animation, which agents tell me is a tough sell.
Q. What’s the most embarrassing thing to happen to you as a fat person?
A. There’s too many to mention and too painful to retell.
Q. What was the most weight you ever lost?
A. About 140 pounds. Took me a year or so to do it. I was 28 and on Jenny Craig and lost 22 pounds the first week. It really freaked out my counselor. She checked and double checked the scale, called in her manager, who did the same. The funny part was, until I stepped on the scale I would have bet the farm I gained weight that week. My problem was it that it catapulted me into another world where I was a stranger. I should have gotten psychological help. All of a sudden I was treated as if I was funnier, smarter and a better person. I was none of those things, I was just thinner. The attention I got was incredible and it darn near killed me. But I must admit, I did have some fun despite myself. I really got my butt kicked a time or two in the world of dating. It was far more ruthless than I figured. I don’t know how thin people do it.
Q. What’s the secret about fat people that you wish you could tell thin people?
A. I have a couple: Fat people know they are fat. You don’t have to tell them. They deal with it every day. The other secret is that fat people are hiding. As big as we are, we are hiding. Whether it’s fear of success, fear of failure or fear of the unknown, we are hiding. We’re just too big to see.
Q. Is “Fat Chance” a celebration of fat people?
A. If anyone reads “Fat Chance” and proclaims: “I want to be fat, too!” then I have failed. But I wouldn’t mind if you’d yell “Dragoons!” every now and then. No one wants to be fat, no matter what they say. So often when I had people around me scream (and trust me, they do scream) “You’re fat!” I always took it to mean that I was a failure as a human being, that they were better than me and that I didn’t deserve to be happy. My one resounding theme in “Fat Chance” is that it’s what’s in your heart that matters. And because you’re fat doesn’t mean you’re worse than anyone else. Remember, there are a lot of stupid thin people out there. It could be worse; you could be one of them. As a fat person you have to be of better character than those around you. You have to bite your lip to keep from shouting something back just as hateful, which I have often failed at. Good luck with that.
Q. Who is your favorite character?
A. I can narrow it down to Hamilton, Jim and Porkington. I like the decency and romantic in Hamilton, the resilience and earthiness of Jim and I admire the quiet nobility of Porkington. The other characters can all go to Hell.
Q. Are you writing anything now?
A. Not really. I have an idea or two I am tinkering with. One, which I call “The Fishing Creek Confederacy,” is a Civil War story that my grandpa told me that would look at politics. The other would be a story reflecting two years in Iowa when I was in my late 40s and found jobs where I worked with young people. I call it “The Old Guy.” They both should be ready in about 20 years. Better get in line now.
